Adoptive Parents
You always wanted to be a parent...You tried to have kids of your own, but that didn’t work out
You have children of your own but also want to provide a safe and loving home for a child who needs one
You chose not to have children of your own because there are so many kids out there already who need a loving family.
You read all the books and blogs, listened to all the podcasts, and watched all the YouTube videos about adopting, but nothing really prepared you for this. You didn’t realize the adoption process would be this hard, this invasive, this uncertain.
Private Adoption
You spent so much time helping to support the bio mom you connected with, going with her to doctor appointments and paying her living expenses. You bonded with both the baby and with bio mom. You were prepared to have an open adoption and to include bio mom in your life. But your heart wasn’t ready for this roller coaster of emotions. Your heart wasn’t ready for things to take a sharp left turn. Even though you knew “failed” adoptions happen, you didn’t expect to fall so in love with your baby, just to have bio mom to decide to parent and completely cut off contact with you.
Adoption Through Foster Care
You went through all the hoops to get approved to adopt the child you were fostering. You bend over backwards to get your child to their court-ordered visits with their parents and really want what’s best for them. But you weren’t ready for the grief that came when they returned home with their bio parents.
You’re not sure you can bring yourself to try again… to go through this again. You’re still grieving the loss. The risk to your heart is too much. But you want to be a parent so bad. It’s all you’ve ever wanted.
Post-Adoption
The adoption process was hard, long, and expensive. You wanted to provide a child with a safe, loving home. You knew when you got into the adoption process through foster care that your child would come from a hard place. They could have been neglected, physically and/or sexually abused, and/or exposed to drugs and alcohol in utero. You did the research. You joined Facebook support groups. But things haven’t gone how you planned. The bonding hasn’t happened like you thought it would. You feel disconnected, ambivalent. You feel like your child isn’t attached to you. They’re starting to have trouble in school. They’re having behavioral issues. You’re tired, scared, and you feel alone.
The weight of these experiences settles into your body...
You might find yourself crying in your car after dropping your child off at school, or lying in bed at night with your mind racing through everything that went wrong that day. The sadness feels bottomless sometimes, not just for what didn't work out, but for the innocent hope you started with.
The fear creeps in during quiet moments. What if you can't handle this? What if your child never feels safe with you? What if you've made a terrible mistake? Your body stays on high alert, muscles tense, always waiting for the next crisis or disappointment.
You feel cut off from other parents who seem to navigate their families with ease. Their complaints about bedtime battles or picky eating feel trivial compared to what you're facing. You stop sharing your real struggles because the blank stares or well-meaning but unhelpful advice leave you feeling even more alone.
The exhaustion goes deeper than just needing sleep. It's bone-deep weariness from constantly second-guessing yourself, from managing complex behaviors, from carrying grief you can't fully explain.
And underneath it all, a quiet voice whispers what you're most afraid of: that maybe you're not cut out for this, that other adoptive parents seem to handle things better, that your child deserves someone who is more equipped. The guilt about having these thoughts only makes everything heavier.
You've looked in all the usual places for help...
Facebook support groups: you've found that people on these forums can be so mean and judgmental. You've seen the responses to posts from other people, and you don't want to subject yourself to the ridicule you've seen others experience.
Books from experts: you read all the books before you started the journey, but reality is different. You need someone who understands you and your specific situation.
The adoption agency: They're there, but they don't have any answers for you. There's a high turnover with the case managers and you feel like they just don't have the time or resources to support you.
The Unique Burden Adoptive Parents Carry
Your pain isn't like typical parenting stress, and healing approaches that work for other families often fall short for yours. You're carrying grief that has no clear beginning or end: grief for the biological connection you don't have, for the birth parents your child lost, for the innocence you had before you understood how complex this would be. You're mourning dreams that didn't come true while trying to build new ones.
The attachment fears run deeper than worrying if your child likes you. You lie awake wondering if they'll ever truly feel safe with you, if their early trauma has created walls you'll never break through, if the bonding that was supposed to feel natural will always feel like work you're failing at.
Your nervous system has been through adoption processes that feel designed to break you down – home studies that invade your privacy, court dates that hold your future hostage, and maybe multiple losses that taught your body to brace for disappointment even in moments of hope.
And, if your child comes with their own trauma history – abuse, neglect, prenatal exposure to substances, multiple placement disruptions – you're not just parenting, you're helping a little nervous system heal while your own is still recovering. Their triggers activate yours. Their dysregulation can send your carefully maintained composure spiraling in seconds.
These aren't your typical parenting challenges. You're rebuilding your trust and hope while simultaneously trying to create safety and hope for someone else who's also learning to trust again.
You need a therapist with specialized training in adoptive parent trauma
You don't need another person telling you to practice self-care or try harder. You need someone with specific expertise in how the adoption process affects your nervous system: the trauma of hoping, losing, hoping again, and navigating a system that can feel designed to break you down before building you up.
You need therapeutic approaches that don't require you to have the perfect words for experiences that feel impossible to explain. You need healing that reaches the places where your body holds the weight of failed placements, fears, and the complex grief that comes with loving a child whose early story includes pain you couldn’t prevent.
You need someone trained in working with adoption trauma who understands that healing isn't just about processing the past - it's about rewiring your nervous system so you can show up as the parent you want to be, even when your child's trauma responses trigger your own.
This is exactly the kind of specialized care I provide for adoptive families.
What changes you can expect to experience when we work together:
Fall asleep easily and wake up excited to spend the day with your child, instead of lying awake with your chest tight from replaying every court hearing and failed placement, exhausted before the day even begins.
Feel your heart open with genuine warmth when your child walks through the door after school, instead of bracing yourself for another meltdown and wondering if you'll ever feel that natural parent-child connection you dreamed of.
Trust your gut and act decisively when your child needs you most, instead of second-guessing every response while your child's behavior escalates because you're frozen in indecision.
Stand firm with loving boundaries that protect your family's peace, instead of dreading every family gathering where you smile through invasive questions while your stomach churns with resentment.
Experience moments of pure joy and connection during the small, ordinary moments that make parenting meaningful, instead of going through the motions of bedtime routines while feeling emotionally distant from the child you desperately want to love.
Rely on your own wisdom and inner strength when challenges arise, instead of frantically searching for answers online at 2am because you feel completely lost and alone in situations no parenting book prepared you for.
Feel proud of your unique family story and confident in your parenting choices, instead of carrying shame about your struggles and wondering if other parents judge your family's journey.
Walk into meetings about your child feeling prepared and powerful, knowing exactly how to get them the support they need, instead of feeling defensive and overwhelmed while professionals question your parenting.
Stay grounded and responsive even during your child's most triggering moments, instead of feeling your own trauma activated every time they have a meltdown which leaves both of you more dysregulated.
Experience the deep satisfaction of building the loving, stable home you always envisioned, instead of questioning whether you're failing your child and missing the beautiful family moments happening right in front of you.
How I help my clients become the confident, loving parent they always wanted to be
When you're carrying the weight of failed adoptions, worries about emotional connection with your child, and daily parenting struggles that feel too complex for traditional talk therapy, you need approaches that meet you where the pain lives: in your body, your nervous system, and the parts of your brain that don't hold logical explanations.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) recognizes that you have different parts of yourself that are all trying to protect you and your family in different ways. There's the part that stays hyper-aware of your child's safety, the part that grieves the biological connection you don't have, and the part that just wants to enjoy being a parent. Instead of these parts fighting each other and exhausting you, IFS helps them work as a coordinated team.
Brainspotting finds where your stress and painful memories are stored in your brain and helps release them without having to relive every detail. When you think about that moment the birth mother changed her mind or your child's first rage episode, your body tightens up. Brainspotting uses where you naturally look to access those stuck places and let your brain process what it needs to, so those memories stop hijacking your nervous system.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helps your brain file away traumatic experiences so they stop feeling like they're happening right now. That court hearing, that failed placement, that moment you realized attachment wasn't going to be automatic - EMDR helps your brain move these experiences from "current emergency" to "difficult thing that happened that I survived."
Somatic Experiencing works with the fact that all that stress, grief, and hypervigilance lives in your body. Your shoulders carry the weight of uncertainty. Your chest holds the fear that you're not enough. Your stomach churns with the grief you can't fully express. This approach helps your nervous system remember how to settle and feel safe again.
Complex Processing Therapy recognizes that adoptive parents face layered challenges that require multiple tools. Like renovating a house that needs electrical work AND plumbing AND structural repair, your healing needs different approaches working together to address the unique combination of grief, hope, fear, and love that defines the adoptive parent experience.
These aren't just coping strategies; these are methods to change how your nervous system responds to stress so you can be the parent you want to be, even in the hardest moments.
Let’s get started today.
About MeSummer Verhines, LCSW
I provide discreet, results-driven psychotherapy for high-achieving individuals navigating life’s most challenging seasons. With a calm, strategic approach and over a decade of specialized experience, I help you move from stress and uncertainty to clarity, resilience, and renewed purpose—without compromising your privacy or your pace.
I have been a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in California since 2015, holding a bachelor’s degree in psychology (2002) and a master’s degree in social work (2008). Over the years, my work has brought me alongside foster and adoptive parents, executives, caregivers, and seniors—individuals of all ages facing profound transitions and, often, overwhelming responsibilities. I have supported clients through depression, anxiety, grief, symptoms of trauma, and the deep emotional shifts that come with major lifestyle changes.
My specialties include offering nuanced support to adoptive parents, those who have experienced trauma, medical professionals who have experienced trauma, and grief and loss in its many forms. In every engagement, I provide a secure, judgment-free environment where you can explore your thoughts, fears, hopes, and goals with confidence that you are fully heard and understood.
Your time is valuable, and your well-being is essential.
Contact me below.
Contact Mesverhines.lcsw@gmail.com
(855) 564-3338
P.O. Box 28
Wilton, CA 95693